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Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
-- Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
-- Bill Maher

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
-- Jay Leno